My Journey to Contentment

I read this book a while ago by Linda Dillow, Calm My Anxious Heart.  It's a book I continually come back to and skim when I know I need the reminders within it.  Recently I wasn't able to find it and it was one of those days I just wanted to reread some of the things I had highlighted.  Since they have helped me a great deal, I thought I would share some of the lessons she has on learning to be content.

She talks quite a bit about being heaven minded and just getting outside yourself realizing that you are not the center of it all.  I often forget that because, society teaches the exact opposite... The story she tells is about a lady who lived a really hard life and never really seemed to be upset by it or never seemed to wish for something that wasn't what the Lord had given her for that day. She shares her recipe for contentment:

1. Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
2. Never picture yourself in any other circumstance or someplace else.
3. Never compare your lot with another's.
4. Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
5. Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that [tomorrow] is God's, not ours.

"Her eyes were fixed on eternity.  Her tomorrows belonged to God.  She had given them to him.  And because all her tomorrow were nested in God's strong arms, she was free to live today."

She talks about building that habit of contentment through that recipe above.  I would imagine based on her story there were several things she could have complained about however, she chose to remember that the Lord was in control.  Of everything.  Always.  Nothing went through his hands that was not planned.  And when it did (or didn't) happen, his timing was always perfect.

She ends by telling this story of two monks which I love and can't read enough:

"I need oil," said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that it's tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers.  "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray thee." And the sun shone gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace it's tissues," cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died. Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! It thrives well. But I entrust my tree to it's God. He who make it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. 'Lord, send what it needs,' I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost.  Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.'"

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  

Psalm 16:5-11

Ann Voskamp's Blog on ISIS after her visit to Iraq

I can't stop forwarding this link...  Instead, I've decided to just post it and hope it will reach more people this way.  And then I pray you read it and let this rest on your heart.  Reading this is hard, but it's short and I promise will be worth your time.

Click here to read: Ann Voskamp's blog on ISIS

I first heard Ann speak at IF:Gathering.  She wasn't my favorite, I'll be honest, but you have to admire her passion.  Her zeal.  The demand she puts on people to get up and do something.  Anything.  For the love get outside of yourself and meet needs.  Heal people.  Do what you can where you can.

Lately...

If you've been reading my previous posts, I'm sure you can imagine I was fairly frustrated when time after time my licensing was getting delayed because of some stupid little thing... I mean, not stupid, but yes, stupid.  Like who cares about half of this stuff when there are real kids out there with actual needs.... Apparently not the state.  I mean, I get what and why they do what they do, but c'mon, it's a little ridiculous at times.  To fill you in on what's been going on...

1. I got licensed... After I passed the whole fire inspection charade, CK was doing another chart audit.  They realized I hadn't put my disaster kit (food, water bottles, flashlight, batteries, etc.) in a portable container... I hadn't done it because it's so ugly and just so stupid. And where the heck am I going to put that in my house?  If you've seen my house, it's not like it's small, but I don't have space to just set huge containers of stuff out on the TINY chance that I actually need it.  Anyways, I had the stuff bought, just not in a container... So I still hadn't done it then I get a call that I'm licensed... What?  There were still a few small things that were found during my final chart audit that they were waiting on but then I guess they don't care after all... I don't really know.  I still haven't done them, ha.

1b.  So I got the call that I was licensed on 2/13 from CK and they told me I was done (finally!!) and that my license start date would be 2/16 as it likely wouldn't process on a Friday afternoon so it'd probably be Monday before they got around to signing it.  You wanna know what I did?  Nothing.  I didn't tell anyone until Thursday of that following week.  I can't explain why.  There had been a million people supporting me, encouraging me, asking me how it was going, etc. and I just couldn't verbally say it out loud.  I even went to Home Group on Tuesday and didn't say one word about it.  I've realized when big things happen in my life they render me silent.  When I broke up with my most recent boyfriend, I don't think I told anyone for over a week, people asked me how we were doing and I just said fine...?!  That being said, I don't know why I do that, but I think it just takes time to sink in.  Once the wait it over, I have this moment all over again of WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?

2. I freaked out. It's like the first time the Lord laid this on my heart and I fought him because of all the reasons I've already mentioned in previous posts, all over again.... I fought all those same fears and once I got that call and this was now a reality I just completely froze.  I don't think I had acknowledged the fact that the Lord would actually see this through, ha, but for real. I mean, my mindset was that of obedience, one step at a time and the Lord would direct my steps.  Which he did, but I guess I just was waiting for him to say, "Ok thanks for being obedient, but we'll wait on this". The story in the back of my mind being Genesis 22 when the Lord asks Abraham to sacrifice Issac.  When I read that story, I'm Isaac... all my wants, my desires, my plans, my my my... And the Lord says, Kase, you asked, you prayed, you seeked for me to send you and use you where I needed you... Which is true, yes but... So I just prayed, a lot. For the panic to subside, for wisdom, for the Lord to help me lay aside those things that I would be able to serve those who need him.  I want to, so bad, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified.  I hadn't acknowledged that those thoughts were in my mind all along.  I hadn't given myself the opportunity to acknowledge the Lord would actually want me to go through with this.

3.  So after the freaking ended (mostly) I just began preparing.  Meal plans that would be kid-friendly. Things that I could cook for both of us and we could both enjoy.  Searching for books and movies at the dollar store that she'd enjoy but that were good.  I find myself wanting to read all the books I put in her room so I know they are good messages for her to be reading.  Along with that, life is happening.  People are getting married, friends are moving, having babies, quitting jobs so work is getting even busier, friends are turning 30 (WHAT?!) and just lots of other smaller things.  It won't slow down, I'm just kinda embracing the crazy before I no longer can say yes to some of these things. 

4. So when?  The timeline got tricky because once I was licensed, I didn't get a call asking about me taking a kiddo until mid march.  That call came on a Thursday while I was in Colorado and then not I didn't get another.  It was bizarre because all the other foster moms told me that once you're licensed, you get a call pretty much right away.  When my case manager came over after I got back from my trip to talk about expectations she said it just kinda goes through phases.  Sometimes there are a lot of kids and needs, other times it's pretty slow.  So It was probably just a slow season, which is great, but then I wasn't sure when to actually open my doors.  I didn't want to start a kid during summer when I would be working and she would be bouncing around to day cares, babysitters, summer programs, etc. So all along I was planning on waiting if I didn't have a kid before the summer and here we were end of March by this time and it just seemed best to wait.  For her, for me, to let the dust settle and several other things.  It's just been busy as summers usually are, and at this point, what's a few more months?  So I'll probably open my doors in August... Then just wait till I get a call.  She'll be in school, I'll be at work and the structure she'll need will be part of life that wouldn't be as easy during summer.  Plus, starting a kid during summer seems like I'm throwing myself into the deep end when I'll have no idea what I'm doing to begin with... Anyways, after praying a lot about it, it just seemed like the wise thing to do.

Thanks for all those who have been supporting and praying for this whole journey... It means a lot and it's not over nor am I dead.  I just had to step back for a few months and just focus on breathing :)

Miracles follow the plow

Here are two kinds of ground: fallow ground and ground that has been broken up by the plow.

The fallow field is smug, contented, protected from the shock of the plow and the agitation of the harrow. Such a field, as it lies year after year, becomes a familiar landmark to the crow and the blue jay. Had it intelligence, it might take a lot of satisfaction in its reputation: it has stability; nature has adopted it; it can be counted upon to remain always the same, while the fields around it change from brown to green and back to brown again. Safe and undisturbed, it sprawls lazily in the sunshine, the picture of sleepy contentment.

But it is paying a terrible price for its tranquility; never does it feel the motions of mounting life, nor see the wonders of bursting seed, nor the beauty of ripening grain. Fruit it can never know, because it is afraid of the plow and the harrow.

In direct opposite to this, the cultivated field has yielded itself to the adventure of living. The protecting fence has opened to admit the plow, and the plow has come as plows always come, practical, cruel, business-like and in a hurry. Peace has been shattered by the shouting farmer and the rattle of machinery. The field has felt the travail of change; it has been upset, turned over, bruised and broken.

But its rewards come hard upon its labors. The seed shoots up into the daylight its miracle of life, curious, exploring the new world above it. All over the field, the hand of God is at work in the age-old and ever renewed service of creation. New things are born, to grow, mature, and consummate the grand prophecy latent in the seed when it entered the ground. Nature's wonders follow the plow.

Dr. A. W. Tozer

 

"Break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the Lord, till He come and rain righteousness on you" (Hosea 10:12)

The Waiting Continues...

Well, I thought I was done but turns out I'm not. I have to get my fire extinguisher inspected as apparently they don't take a receipt to satisfy this requirement any more.  I can't explain more because I might lose my mind... You can click the pic to see actual size if you're interested.  At least she knows this is frustrating.

Maybe I'll get a kid by 2016... The good news if it takes that long is that I can make it to my next cousins wedding in May 2015!!

Womp womp

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!

Welp, It's finally over... Praise. The. Lord.  I passed round 2 of the inspection this morning and emailed my paperwork in.  I asked them if there was anything else or what the next steps are but haven't heard back yet.

Last we talked this was the last thing on my checklist so now that this is done, I should be good to go.  Saying I'm finally licensed is asking for a big issue to arise so I'm not prepared to say that until she does, however to my knowledge, I have nothing left to do.

If that's the case, I would imagine next week (after I get back from this weekend in Austin) or soon after I'll be getting a kiddo! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

Failed. Fire. Inspection.

Guys,

I failed the fire inspection.  I had to wait a few days to write this because I was so mad, and if that anger seeps out still, just ignore it and consider this an advance apology.

Here's how it went down.... She rings the doorbell, my dog starts barking and I'm thinking I hope she likes dogs.  I usually forget about Bailey because she's normally so quite, but if she doesn't like her I can just stick her outside.  She comes in and I apologize about Bailey assuring her that she will calm down in a minute or two.  She starts telling me about how she has dogs and cats and its fine because she loves them oh Bailey is just the cutest dog... So I think, geez she's a lot nicer in person than she had been on the phone.  Maybe she's just more of a face to face person...

Turns out she's not really a face to face person either.  I asked her where she'd like to start the tour/inspection figuring she'd want to see the bedrooms.  I start to head that way (which is straight ahead but on the left side of the house from the front door).  She says no ma'am we'll be going this way and only taking right hand turns.  What?  I'm not sure if she's serious or not.  My house isn't that big (I promise you'll know when you've gone through the whole thing) but I comply not wanting to upset her.  So I say welp, this is the living room... Is there anything you want to see? She says we'll go through the whole house. I said, yes well I meant like anything I can point out or show you in each room?  She says just please stay to the right... What in the world? Where do these people come from? Whatever.  So I just keep walking, pointing out the living room then dining room until we get to the laundry room...

Obstacle 1: The dryer.  She says please remove anything next to the dryer, there can be nothing next to it.  So I said ok I can move it and start to walk out towards the kitchen and she says "I'll wait"... Ok... I'm in work clothes, a skirt to be exact, and my dryer comes out and touches a wall.  So the only way I can get the stuff on the floor next to the dryer is to crawl on top of the dryer and reach down with my arms.  It's like a dust pan and old doorknobs sitting there but I'm having trouble reaching them because my arm's aren't that long.  I finally get it and she's like, please also get the ironing board.  It's against the wall not even touching the dryer but sure, I'll move it.

Obstacle 2: The Fire Extinguisher.  The paperwork says that it has to be a 5 pound dry chemical extinguisher.  Her call before the inspection said to make sure it was hanging visibly in the kitchen with the top not higher than 5 feet off the ground.  Check and Check.  Of course, she doesn't even check to see what kind of extinguisher, she just asks me where the receipt is... I told her I didn't realize I needed it and I probably threw it away.  By probably I mean definitely.  She said, well when did you buy it?  I told her a few months ago when I was preparing for this inspection and no where on anything does it say to even keep the receipt.  She said well it needs to be taped on there so we can see when it expires.  Cool, I'll get right on that.

Obstacle 3: The escape route.  Thankfully she didn't want to see me actually crawl out the window (this time) but I would imagine that's because I couldn't get them open.  This one was probably my fault, I should have assumed she'd want to see the windows open, but in my mind I figured she'd just want to see there are windows we could use should we need to.  Lets be real, if there is an emergency and they don't open, you're just gonna break them.  That's what I'm thinking anyways but she wants to see me open them and to ensure there is nothing in front of them.  All my windows have something in front of them.  My room has a small 2 drawer file cabinet in front of it, but it's below the window and not blocking it really... I could easily get out without moving it.  In the foster room, there is a big window with a little bookshelf in front (not covering the window at all, its entirely below the window) so I say, wouldn't it be more helpful for a little girl to have this so she can crawl on top of it then out...?  Ma'am there can be nothing in front of the escape windows... Also, the escape routes were posted on the back of the doors (because they are ugly and no kid is gonna read them anyways) but she says please move them to below the light switch.  I said well it just says in each room... Hotels have them on the back of the doors.  "Like I said, below the light switch..." Sigh.

Obstacle 4: The smoke detectors.  The paperwork says a working smoke detector in the bedrooms and the hallways leading to the bedrooms.  It doesn't say anything about all being the same kind, same power source, nothing.  So each bedroom she's testing them and in the hallway she's like is this part of the others?  "What?  No.. It's hooked to the power but not the same one as what's in the bedrooms.  This one was here when I bought the house then I added the ones to the bedrooms."  "Are the ones in the bedroom battery operated or power?"  "Battery."  So she says they all need to be the same, all battery or power.  Well no one told me that. I said I don't understand, if they are all working what does it matter?  If there is a fire, we will know about it.  Isn't that the point?  "They need to all be the same."  "Ok, but they all work and they are all in the places they should be so why does it matter?"  She couldn't give me a reason which was so annoying because it doesn't make any sense.  Idiot.  So then I just start nodding and just saying ok...  She then tells me to please call her to re-schedule but that she probably can't get back out here for another 2 weeks.... Ok. Great. Looking forward to it.

"Oh, and here's a satisfaction survey.  If you don't mind filling it out and giving it to me when I come back out or mail/fax it in to the info on the back that would be great."  Gladly.

Fire Inspection

The fire inspection is happening today!! The last item on this checklist for licensing that has had a million things on it!  Fingers crossed its easy like the health inspection and she just kinda checks the house.  The lady who is doing it said about 30 minutes, but after the home study, I'm not holding my breath...

In case you need some ideas for your home, feel free to pin this to your Pinterest or just save this page as a bookmark for decorating ideas ;)

Safety First!! Evacuation Maps and Fire Extinguishers

The things she'll mainly be checking (per our phone convo):

• Fire Extinguisher is a 5lb (dry chemical) hanging visibly in the kitchen with the top of it not higher than 5ft off the ground
• Smoke Alarms in all bedrooms and hallways
• Evacuation Route and Emergency Disaster Plan posted in all bedrooms and common areas

This is the Fire Marshal's Checklist... I have all this stuff but hopefully we don't have to actually do the evacuation drills or open the windows and make sure we can crawl out of them.... however I wont be surprised at this point if we do. 

Forever

If you've never listened to Kari Jobe, you should.  She's one of my favorite artists.  I love this one particular song even more for many reasons, however the main reason being Isaac's spoken word solo.  I know it's long so if you want to fast forward a bit, about 7 minutes in, Isaac starts his spoken word and I love everything he says.  So I wanted to post the words (below the video).  Not because he's the worship pastor at the Village where I go (which I love) but because there is so much truth to what he's saying.  And in this ever changing world, I pray this is what people learn to lean on.

Most of you reading this are probably already praying for Jan, but as I was listening to this I just had this image of this playing in her head, truly resonating in her heart during what's to come and standing firm on all His promises.  Because listening to this song I feel like I can do anything.  Not because of myself, but because of the one who comes behind us and before us.  Thankful that He is not only in our today, but our tomorrow as well and that nothing that comes to us surprises him. 

"If there are words for Him, then I don't have them
You see my brain has not yet reached the point
Where it could form a thought that could adequately
describe the greatness of my God
And my lungs have not yet developed the ability to,
release a breathe with enough to agility to
breathe out the greatness of His love
And my voice, you see my voice is so inhibited
Restrained by human limits,
that's hard to even send the praise up
You see if there are words for Him,
I don't have them
My God, His grace is remarkable
Mercies are innumerable
Strength is impenetrable
He is honorable, accountable
Favorable, He's unsearchable yet knowable
Indefinable yet approachable
Indescribable yet personal
He is beyond comprehension
Further than imagination
Constant through generations
King of every nation
But if there are words for Him,
Then I don't have them.
You see my words are few
In trying to capture the one true God
Using my vocabulary would never do
But I use words as an expression,
An expression of worship to a Savior
A Savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise
So I use words
My heart extols the Lord. Blesses His name forever.
He has won my heart, Captured my mind
And has bond them both together
He is defeated me in my rebellion
Conquered me in my sin
He has welcomed me into His presence
Completely invited me in
He has made Himself the object of my sight
Flooding me with mercies in the morning
Drowning me with grace in the night
But if there are words for Him,
Then I don't have them
But what I do have is, good news
For my God knew that manmade words
Would never do, the words are just tools
That we use to point to the truth
So He sent His son Jesus Christ
As The Word, living proof
He is the image of the invisible God
The first born of all creation
For by Him all things were created
Giving nothingness formation
And by His words He sustains
In the power of His name
For He is before all things
And over all things He reigns
Holy is His name
So praise Him for His life
The way he preserved in strife
The humble son of God becoming the perfect sacrifice
Praise Him for His death
That He willingly stood in our place
That He lovingly endured the grave
That He battled our enemy
And on the third day rose in Victory
He is everything that was promised
Praised as the risen King
Lift your voice and sing
For one day He will return for us
And we will finally be united with our Savior
For eternity, eternity
So it's not just words that I proclaim
For my words point to The Word
And The Word has a name
Hope has a name
Joy has a name
Peace has a name
Love has a name
And that name is Jesus Christ
Praise His name FOREVER!" -- Isaac Wimberley

No placement, yet...

To keep everyone updated, I still have no kiddo yet.  It's been hard to get my fire inspection done.  We had to reschedule once which turns out was a huge mistake.  I cant even get the lady that was assigned my inspection on the phone now.  I've been told that any requests they got before/during the holidays might have been scheduled for after the holidays which is why they are backed up.  How many of these could they possibly do though?  Turns out, this is the same team that does fire inspections for restaurants, apartments, work places... all kinds of buildings.  So a one man house probably doesn't come high on their list.  Anyways, that being said I'm still waiting.  Once that is done, I'll be completely done with licensing!

To be honest, my head is all over the place.  I'm tired of waiting and I feel like this process has been such a beating.  I mean, I knew it would be, but I think they try to make things difficult at times.  I feel like it wouldn't be that hard to let parents know up front what takes a long time, so I could have prioritized it at the beginning of the process.  I waited on the fire inspection because I wanted the room setup, but for this particular inspection, they just need to check safety stuff which could have been done a while ago...

Depending on how long this takes to do this inspection and get the report turned in, its going to be cutting it close to my cousins wedding at the end of January.  The weekend after that, I'll be in Austin for IF:Gathering.  So I think now we're looking at beginning of February before a kid arrives... Womp Womp.

Prayers are welcome... I'm starting to get antsy and the waiting is just making me doubt.  My head is all over the place.  I'm getting stressed about summer school among other things and it's several months away.  I wanna throw up.

I got a call...

I just got back from vacation and have been crazy busy catching up with work from being out of the office... I'm also getting prepared for the holidays.  Around 10 yesterday morning I got a call from CK (my agency) asking me pretty much if I was ready.... Wait, what? 

She said we're doing a final review of your chart, checking off things and wanted to see when you'd be ready for your first kid!  I obviously start sweating and laughing immediately... Wait what?  She said they had a few things they were getting clarification on from the home study (still) but after that, would I be ready for a kid?  Still laughing I walk into the hallway and just say, "yeah I guess..." not sure that was the best response but it's just such an odd question.  I understand why they ask it, but it just seems like I've been doing nothing but paperwork and training for so long.  I'm ready, definitely, but wait what?  I probably said that 10 times on the phone with her... I just couldn't process all that she was saying as fast as she was saying it.  She's probably said this schpeel to people a million times so she had it down, but my brain could not keep up.  I mean, yes, I'm ready.  I cannot be more excited and if I get a placement before Christmas then yes, let's go.  But in between everything she's saying I'm thinking, I haven't cleaned the house.  I need to organize clothes that I recently got.  I need to put together a chair my parents bought me.  I need to get Bailey (my dog) to the groomer so she's ready.  It was so crazy, the biggest to-do list and some bizarre/unimportant things started popping into my head...

I got off the phone and just mentally crossed them all off.  Because they don't matter and the things that need to happen will happen.  I don't think i'll get a kiddo before the weekend (because she'd call to let me know my home study was completed and revisions were done).  That at least gives me the weekend to put stuff together, clean the house and just get some kid groceries.

I asked her for a realistic date and she said it could be by the end of the month... Eeek!

I haven't blogged in a bit but you haven't missed anything really... Just lots of freaking out (as of yesterday) and last minute planning, Christmas shopping, working and lots of laundry in between it all. 

Anyways, thanks for all the prayers thus far!  I'll update here as I know more!

My Heart for Her...

I read this on a blog and I feel in love with it.  I had it bookmarked and would re-read it every so often.  I wanted to share not only for this girl, but for all young women out there as a simple prayer...
 

My heart for her is that she will learn that her journey is where she will become strong

that her strength is from God not within herself

that she waits for a man that will love her heart, her mind and dream her dreams as well as his own

one that will respect her choice that true love waits, because he too is waiting

that she explores her God given dreams with no pressure to marry before her time

that she opens her heart to God’s invitation to be transformed by Him

 

that she stands when no one else does

that she speaks for those who cannot

that she be the light when everything else is dark

that she has the eyes to see the lovely in the unlovely, for that is so often where we see God

that she lives loved... because she knows the depth of which she is loved

that she hears His song over her each and everyday

 

that she is able to forgive because she knows the depth of her forgiveness

that family always matters and knows that it's worth fighting for

that she would keep God first, others second and herself third

that her trust is always safe with the One who is perfect and steadfast

that even if she had no one she is not ever alone because God is always with her

 

that she has a heavenly Father who gives good gifts to His children

that the gifts He has given her have been hand chosen for a purpose

that she is able to see her path before her clearly and will follow after it even if no one else sees it too

that she dreams big dreams and prays even bigger prayers

and that with each day she will love deeper, fight harder and pray with conviction

adapted from the original post here, The House of Belonging

Umm... Hi, yes... Party of 2

For those questions about the timeline... As of now, my paperwork is done, unless there are more questions from the home study of course, (and there have already been additional questions).  Sigh...

My fire inspection is all that I have left and it's been hard to get ahold of the right people so its not scheduled yet but I'm hopeful that after thanksgiving it will be.

So, the date is Dec 16!!  That does not mean that a kiddo would be with me on that date, I'm just thinking that will be the date that I officially open my home, which just means it now becomes a possibility for a kid that meets my parameters.

Why Dec 16?  I get back from NY with my grandparents on Dec 15.  I could have opened sooner, however I couldn't have traveled with her to NY because tickets were already bought, plans made, etc.  If I did have her, she'd have to stay with a respite provider but due to all the changes and transitions already happening and the trauma that comes with getting placed into foster care at all, you can't use a respite provider within the first 30 days.  This is really just to help her adjust and for us to establish a routine and relationship before she's off being babysat by more people she doesn't know. 

Once I get back from NY, I have no plans to go anywhere.  Christmas I'll be local and if she's with me, we'll probably stay at my house, just to help her continue adjusting and keeping that routine, but going to my dad's house during the day to hangout.  After that, my cousins wedding will be at the end of January and she would just come with me... Crazy! 

On a side note, I currently have a car seat in my backseat.  Trippy.  I turn around often and just stare at it...

Her room

Her room is done!!  As promised, pictures for those of you who can't swing on by and take a look for yourself... Enjoy!

 

Those animals are the softest... Some of you might remember the cow I loved, it was soft once upon a time and had beads in it, so it was kinda heavy.  I loved it and think every kid needs something like that.  The lamb not only has beads, it's got aromatherapy scents... I'm not sure if the beads were soaked in it or what, but it smells amazing. 

This is the gallery wall, I have a few others I haven't hung yet and one that still needs to be filled. 

My favorite... Artwork by Anna Tovar

Do you have a kid?

I have received some hilarious text messages, phone calls, and facebook messages these last 9 months.  Most of them though have come recently with the publication of social media posts.  Here are some examples:

1. You're pregnant?
2. Are you adopting?
3. Wait, so what was that shower for?
4. I don't understand, what's happening? What are you doing?
5. Do you have a kid?

That last one has been the most popular with random variations.  It can be fun to reply and mess with them for a little bit, but I do eventually get into the fact that I'm fostering, not adopting or actually having a child (haha).  So for those of you that are unclear on what fostering is, let me explain...

Kids are pulled out of their home by Child Protective Services for reasons that vary with each child, and because they are unsafe in their own home, they get placed in a temporary home until their parents meet their goals.  The goal with all foster placements is reconciliation.  The hope is that the child's parents (called bio parents in the CPS world) would meet their goals timely and want their kids back so that after they meet goals (get a job, stay sober for 6 months, have 3 clean drug tests, etc.) the kids can go back to their home and family that is now a safe environment.  The reason they say the normal length of stay for a foster child is 12-16 months is because typically, the court gives them a set of goals, some might be short term, but all have to be met by 12 months.  The judge can grant them one 6 month extension if parents are showing marked progress toward those goals (maybe they've been sober, but are having trouble finding a job) but are just having trouble with a certain part of their goals. After goals are met, kids would go home.  If goals are not met, CPS would begin the process of terminating parental rights.  This can vary on time as it depends on if the parents are ok with that and ready or if they fight it. 

So the question has also been asked on what kind of circumstances would a kid ever leave my home? 
1. If they went back home to their bio parents
2. If parental rights were terminated then they got adopted
3. If they aged out. 

On that last point, since my age is 5-8, I'll probably only get new kids in my home that are on the younger side of the scale so that their case is done before they turn 9.  I could get kids that are older if they are short term.  The 2 circumstances I'm taking short term are for respite care and emergency placements.  Respite means that another family needs a break, and the foster child would come live with me for up to 14 days.  Emergency placement is when the kid is taken out of the home unplanned, could be in the middle of the night and they need a home for them right away.  This usually happens when police get a call and show up and realize there is some situation that kids need to be removed right away.  After kids are removed from their home, CPS has 4 hours to have a designated home for that child.  Emergency placements last up to 30 days.  So if there is a sibling group taken out, ideally, they'd be all in the same foster home.  Since that might be hard to coordinate on short notice, kids get placed in homes that are open for emergency placements until they can figure out a more permanent home.  Even if all the siblings can't get together, maybe a few of them can and maybe they can get them all in the same area/neighborhood/school districts.  This also makes life for the foster parents easier as sibling visits have to take place once a month and it's good for them to continue those relationships for obvious reasons. 

Hope this helps answer some questions!  As you can see, there are a so many variables that go into all these decisions but hopefully once a kid is placed, they don't get moved until they go home or are adopted for permanent placement.  Lord willing though, until reconciliation happens, hopefully they can land in a home that is loving and willing to work with them as their young brains process all that is happening.

Overwhelmed

We had a shower last week and I cannot tell you how grateful I felt to have such an incredible support system.  I wish my home study worker could have just been there to see how many people are there and ready to love and support myself and this child and I know she wouldn't have had any doubts.  I left with happy tears running down my cheeks because I felt so unworthy.  I have never had a shower before, I was nervous before talking to my cousin about being the center of attention (because I hate it) and she just kept telling me it would be fine and that people are here to love and bless me.  At the beginning I was a little nervous, but as soon as more and more people showed up I just wanted to stand high above everyone and take a picture of all the people talking.  I remember making a mental note that I want to remember this moment forever, the amount of love that was there was so tangible. 

I left and couldn't stop playing this song on repeat, Big Daddy Weave - Overwhelmed and the lyrics have stayed in my head as I unpacked and re-read all the sweet cards and notes from everyone.

On top of that, there were/are people that have reached out to me to give me support and encouragement that I don't even know or haven't seen in years, like over a decade.  Which is so crazy to me, so many people I have known from growing up but haven't seen since I was little.  I recognize their name and ask mom about them and she reminds me of who they are.  Here they are, after not talking to them in so long, and they are being so generous with a note and even a gift.  Somehow they get wind of what I'm doing and just give.  Just open their heart and say anything you need, the answer is yes. 

... and then again, the song continues to play in my head, like a banner over this entire process.

I have so many mixed emotions about all of this and all in all I'm overwhelmed by them all.  The song continues to play while I write this post and I just pray that this little one that comes here feels it too.  I've prayed in that room and over that room and each of the gifts and I just want her to know that she is so very loved.  As faulty as this world is, there are people that love her wholeheartedly. And even we are broken.  More than anything I want her to know Jesus because this world is so crappy at times and wont make sense and just flat out isn't fair.  I cant imagine being in her shoes as a young girl, it's not right.  I want to shake her parents for whatever has caused them to put her in system at all.  But then again, they aren't prefect and are likely just doing what they know, surviving the only way they know how.  So I'm praying for grace towards her parents because I'm already attached to this little girl and the thought of people hurting her breaks my heart.  I pray for her testimony, that she can come out of all this some day and look back and know that the Lord never left her side.

"And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."

Revelation 12:11

 

If God is Real...

If God is who he says he is, then what does that mean for me? If God is real, then what?  The whole purpose of this ministry is to get people asking questions and thinking bigger and deeper.  If all that we read in the bible and all that God promises is real and true, why aren't our prayers bigger? deeper? louder? Why aren't we doing more?

if:gathering is in Austin on Feb 6-7.  They also have if:local so you can do it in your own community using their tools and resources (plus Austin is now sold out).  It's what I was planning on doing if I didn't get registered for the Austin gathering.  Last year was their first year, and I found out about it too late so couldn't go.  I'm excited to see what's in store this year. 

They also have a bible study you can do each morning, if:equip that is a devotional or they have a blog that is really good too, plus some podcasts I think.  I'll admit, I've definitely browsed the two above resources, but haven't stayed as connected to them as I had planned.  One thing they do that I adore is if:table. 

The purpose of if:table is to bring a hodgepodge of women together to discuss the bible and to dig a little deeper with the conversation cards they give you.  It's designed to be a group of women in a variety of life phases.  It's only once a month so its not a major commitment, but its a great way to be intentional about community while having great gospel-centered conversation.  They give you a set of conversation cards and you can do all of them or only one of them.  It's also fun to share recipes and share a meal with people you might not normally be able to do something like this with.  I think it's perfect because you can really do it however works for your group and go at your own pace.  In a group of new believers or just new women friends, picking a few questions and just letting the conversation go.

"They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts."

Acts 2:46

Check it out, you won't be disappointed!

The Home Study, The Real Deal

Guys,

The home study took 8.5 hours.  Eight hours and thirty minutes.  Yep, an entire day.  She showed up at 10am and didn't leave until 6:30pm.  I knew it was going to be long, but she said 3-4 hours when she arrived since I was a single girl and there was no one else in the house to interview... Wrong.  I was mentally prepared for 8 hours until she said that.  I wish she hadn't even said anything about it, but that's what made the last half so much more miserable.  Either way, I was definitely not prepared for over 8 hours.  I was losing my mind. 

We had 55 pages of questions to go through and at 12:30 I asked what page we were on and she said page 13... of 55. 

It was by far the worst part of this entire pre-licensing experience.  Its mentally draining because you're being asked such a variety of things, and things that are very personal.  Also, there is a lot of replication, questions asked a little differently but the same core question.  I'd imagine they do that to try and catch people in a lie, but I have no idea. 

Plus, she hand wrote everything!  Which seemed very inefficient, but she said she can be more thorough if she does it by hand, and then she goes back later to type it all up.  Anyways, just be prepared, if you ever have to do one of these.  Here are some sample questions from what I can remember:

• Where were you born?
• What's your mom's address?
• What's your relationship like with each of your siblings?  How often do you see them? Where do they live?  Are yall close?
• What would you do if she doesn't get along with pets?
• What's your relationship like with you dog? (haha for real... I said, she's my pet...?)
• Who does your lawn?
• What's your mom's address?
• What do you enjoy doing?
• Her: Who will the guardian of the child be?  Me: What?...I'm not adopting, is this relevant if they are a ward of the state?  Her: Lets just answer as if you are adopting... Me: But I'm not, I'm single. I have no plans to have any kind of permanent placement... Her: Ok so who would be the guardian if you were adopting?  Me: My mom I guess... Her: Have you talked to her?  Me: No, because I'm not planning on adopting... Sigh. I need another cup of coffee, can I get you anything? (Maybe you want to see my taser?)
• Who are your best friends?  First and last names, please.  Why are they your best friends? What do ya'll do for fun? Where do they live?  Will they be at the house?
• How much do you drink during the week? During the weekends? When is the last time you got sick from drinking too much?
• What's your mom's address? 
• Give me 5 adjectives about each of your parents, step parents included.
• When's the last time your lost your temper?  How did you handle that? 
• Tell me about any past relationships? Any long term ones?  How did they end? How you handled that?  What are their names?  Yes, first and last, please.  And where do they live?
• What do you do to relieve stress?
• I need details of all your bank accounts, Roth IRA's, mutual funds, latest paystub (and first born child, if you ever have one).
• How are you prepared to handle a child?

Really nothing is off limits... Nothing.  So many of these questions were just massive opened ended questions (see last one listed above).  I was getting pretty irritated at the end, mainly because I was just watching the clock thinking for the love, this can't go on much longer, but it did. and did. and did. And so many of the questions we had already talked about, she really did ask for my mom's physical address 3 different times.  I'm not sure what was confusing about the way I answered it the first time, but we finished with a promise of her to call if she had more questions... I'm crossing my fingers she comes back soon.

Buying & Registering

As I've been preparing for a little one to come into the home, there have been so many things that I needed to buy.  I started the registration process this week, and since I've never done one for a wedding or baby before, I wasn't really sure how much stuff there would be out there!  I mean I knew, of course because I've shopped, but how do you know the best item for something you've never used before?  Most stuff I have bought before I have some kind of experience buying (clothes, makeup, home stuff), but these brands are completely foreign to me.  I got pretty overwhelmed and then that same night, my mom was over helping me figure it out (thanks, mom!)

I personally like to buy cheap.  Not so cheap that I'll have to keep going back to repurchase, but I think there are a load of items you can buy middle of the line and be just as good (if not better) as some of the pricey items.  So that's what I registered for.  Some things caught my eye, and there were random things that I knew I wanted to buy to help specifically with a new kid in the home, Table Topics.  I feel like I'm good at asking questions, but not great.  And from years in the past of working with kids, I know not to ask questions that have a yes/no answer, but what about when I run out of things to talk about?  Anyways, table topics I stumbled upon in a store and thought they'd be perfect for dinner conversation to help us connect.  Things like the booster seat are required, which is fine but I'm mostly exacted to install it, I hear they are loads of fun! haha... kidding. 

Apparently baby monitors are amazing for all ages to just keep an extra eye on them and listen for anything that might not sound quite right.  Again never used one, so I just picked.  A lot of the things I registered for where just marked "best seller", if it was marked as such, reasonable price and good reviews, that's probably the one I went with. 

If you are wanting to help out and see that I've registered for something that you have and could donate, please let me know and I'll take if off my registry!  I don't need a new one of most of these things and would be glad to take something you no longer use off your hands so long as it still works! 

Also, do 4-8 year old kids still use bath toys?  I cannot remember for the life of me if that age still plays in the tub?

I registered at both Amazon and Target.  Mainly because they have so many items and most people have a target near them and obviously, Amazon is anywhere you have internet.  Below is the list I made as I went through training, talked with people and heard stories and knew I'd need.  On the registries I added some stuff I stumbled upon that I thought might be good. 

• Rocking Chair 
• Car Seat/Booster Seat 
• Baby Monitor 
• Comforter/Bed Spread 
• OTC Drugs 
• Kitchen Bowls/Plates/Silverware
• Pictures, Décor
• Table Topics
• Shower Curtain
• Bath Toys?
• Organizing Baskets (bathroom)
• Clothes/Shoes
• Jacket
• Shirts
• Shorts/Pants
• Shoes
• Underwear
• Socks
• Nightgown/PJs
• School Supplies
• Backpack
• Notebooks
• Pens/Pencils
• Entertainment: 
• Kids books
• Kids games
• Kids movies
• Outlet Safety Plugs 
• Double Lock for Meds
• Install Smoke Detector  

If there is anything you used for a young child, please let me know!! I'd love to have some wisdom of you parents out there and take any advice on what has or hasn't worked!

Open to suggestions!
Kasey

Final Training: Invite Only

There is one training that you get invited to when you're near the end of the verification process, its by invite only and they give you a handbook + review all regulatory and compliance info.  I haven't been overwhelmed too much during this process.  Only random points here and there when they tell me something completely new and I then feel the need to go review and learn anything and everything I can on that topic.  Most training classes have been behavior type classes, therapeutic parenting, cultural trainings, medication trainings, CPR/First Aid training.  Most of that I've heard before and my degree if family studies/child development so it wasn't completely new info.  This last class was quite different. 

Some of the classes, the instructors say we'll give you all the details of this later in a handbook and that was this class.  Info overload.  I mainly got nervous because there are so many timelines.  And it can change based on each child. 

In general:

• All kids have to be enrolled into school within the first 3 days of placement.  This doesn't sound too hard unless, like me, you've never enrolled a kid before... I plan to go talk to the school soon to get all the paperwork and review it before I get a placement. Also, if I get a child on Friday, they would have to be enrolled Monday so just the time crunch of that along with dealing with my work and the quick turnaround time for her to get into school.
• Appointment with PCP within 30 days.  So hopefully the handful I've selected are taking new patients and they can get me in within 30 days. 
• appointment with Dentist within 60 days.  Again, hopefully they can get us in but I would imagine most can work something out in that time.
• Psych eval, just to gauge where the child is mentally and emotionally. This also plays into their level of care which determines quite a few things.
• Family visits (parents + siblings) are usually weekly.
• Sibling visits are monthly and the family visit above doesn't count.  Must be outside that time for siblings to meet and hangout.
• Paperwork (mileage logs, parenting forms, child progress notes) have to be turned in by the 10th of each month.
• Major events should be reported with 24 hours (ER visits, child gets sick/hurt, medical/dental appointments).
• Any time we will not be staying at home overnight, case manager must know and approve
• Any time we will be leaving the state, case manager, CPS worker, treatment team (all doctors seeing the child) must approve. 
• Case managers will then be coming by once a month to check in and see how things are going. 
• CPS will come by once a year, typically unannounced.

At this point, I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with all the dates/timelines and to take the to-do list day by day.  I plan to have a binder with all the info that each of these places would need so when the time comes, I've got it all together or at least know what each place will expect, but I only know what I've been told thus far.  I'm sure I'll have a new post down the road with stuff I wish I knew, but at this time, this is all I got.