Lately...

If you've been reading my previous posts, I'm sure you can imagine I was fairly frustrated when time after time my licensing was getting delayed because of some stupid little thing... I mean, not stupid, but yes, stupid.  Like who cares about half of this stuff when there are real kids out there with actual needs.... Apparently not the state.  I mean, I get what and why they do what they do, but c'mon, it's a little ridiculous at times.  To fill you in on what's been going on...

1. I got licensed... After I passed the whole fire inspection charade, CK was doing another chart audit.  They realized I hadn't put my disaster kit (food, water bottles, flashlight, batteries, etc.) in a portable container... I hadn't done it because it's so ugly and just so stupid. And where the heck am I going to put that in my house?  If you've seen my house, it's not like it's small, but I don't have space to just set huge containers of stuff out on the TINY chance that I actually need it.  Anyways, I had the stuff bought, just not in a container... So I still hadn't done it then I get a call that I'm licensed... What?  There were still a few small things that were found during my final chart audit that they were waiting on but then I guess they don't care after all... I don't really know.  I still haven't done them, ha.

1b.  So I got the call that I was licensed on 2/13 from CK and they told me I was done (finally!!) and that my license start date would be 2/16 as it likely wouldn't process on a Friday afternoon so it'd probably be Monday before they got around to signing it.  You wanna know what I did?  Nothing.  I didn't tell anyone until Thursday of that following week.  I can't explain why.  There had been a million people supporting me, encouraging me, asking me how it was going, etc. and I just couldn't verbally say it out loud.  I even went to Home Group on Tuesday and didn't say one word about it.  I've realized when big things happen in my life they render me silent.  When I broke up with my most recent boyfriend, I don't think I told anyone for over a week, people asked me how we were doing and I just said fine...?!  That being said, I don't know why I do that, but I think it just takes time to sink in.  Once the wait it over, I have this moment all over again of WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?

2. I freaked out. It's like the first time the Lord laid this on my heart and I fought him because of all the reasons I've already mentioned in previous posts, all over again.... I fought all those same fears and once I got that call and this was now a reality I just completely froze.  I don't think I had acknowledged the fact that the Lord would actually see this through, ha, but for real. I mean, my mindset was that of obedience, one step at a time and the Lord would direct my steps.  Which he did, but I guess I just was waiting for him to say, "Ok thanks for being obedient, but we'll wait on this". The story in the back of my mind being Genesis 22 when the Lord asks Abraham to sacrifice Issac.  When I read that story, I'm Isaac... all my wants, my desires, my plans, my my my... And the Lord says, Kase, you asked, you prayed, you seeked for me to send you and use you where I needed you... Which is true, yes but... So I just prayed, a lot. For the panic to subside, for wisdom, for the Lord to help me lay aside those things that I would be able to serve those who need him.  I want to, so bad, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified.  I hadn't acknowledged that those thoughts were in my mind all along.  I hadn't given myself the opportunity to acknowledge the Lord would actually want me to go through with this.

3.  So after the freaking ended (mostly) I just began preparing.  Meal plans that would be kid-friendly. Things that I could cook for both of us and we could both enjoy.  Searching for books and movies at the dollar store that she'd enjoy but that were good.  I find myself wanting to read all the books I put in her room so I know they are good messages for her to be reading.  Along with that, life is happening.  People are getting married, friends are moving, having babies, quitting jobs so work is getting even busier, friends are turning 30 (WHAT?!) and just lots of other smaller things.  It won't slow down, I'm just kinda embracing the crazy before I no longer can say yes to some of these things. 

4. So when?  The timeline got tricky because once I was licensed, I didn't get a call asking about me taking a kiddo until mid march.  That call came on a Thursday while I was in Colorado and then not I didn't get another.  It was bizarre because all the other foster moms told me that once you're licensed, you get a call pretty much right away.  When my case manager came over after I got back from my trip to talk about expectations she said it just kinda goes through phases.  Sometimes there are a lot of kids and needs, other times it's pretty slow.  So It was probably just a slow season, which is great, but then I wasn't sure when to actually open my doors.  I didn't want to start a kid during summer when I would be working and she would be bouncing around to day cares, babysitters, summer programs, etc. So all along I was planning on waiting if I didn't have a kid before the summer and here we were end of March by this time and it just seemed best to wait.  For her, for me, to let the dust settle and several other things.  It's just been busy as summers usually are, and at this point, what's a few more months?  So I'll probably open my doors in August... Then just wait till I get a call.  She'll be in school, I'll be at work and the structure she'll need will be part of life that wouldn't be as easy during summer.  Plus, starting a kid during summer seems like I'm throwing myself into the deep end when I'll have no idea what I'm doing to begin with... Anyways, after praying a lot about it, it just seemed like the wise thing to do.

Thanks for all those who have been supporting and praying for this whole journey... It means a lot and it's not over nor am I dead.  I just had to step back for a few months and just focus on breathing :)

No placement, yet...

To keep everyone updated, I still have no kiddo yet.  It's been hard to get my fire inspection done.  We had to reschedule once which turns out was a huge mistake.  I cant even get the lady that was assigned my inspection on the phone now.  I've been told that any requests they got before/during the holidays might have been scheduled for after the holidays which is why they are backed up.  How many of these could they possibly do though?  Turns out, this is the same team that does fire inspections for restaurants, apartments, work places... all kinds of buildings.  So a one man house probably doesn't come high on their list.  Anyways, that being said I'm still waiting.  Once that is done, I'll be completely done with licensing!

To be honest, my head is all over the place.  I'm tired of waiting and I feel like this process has been such a beating.  I mean, I knew it would be, but I think they try to make things difficult at times.  I feel like it wouldn't be that hard to let parents know up front what takes a long time, so I could have prioritized it at the beginning of the process.  I waited on the fire inspection because I wanted the room setup, but for this particular inspection, they just need to check safety stuff which could have been done a while ago...

Depending on how long this takes to do this inspection and get the report turned in, its going to be cutting it close to my cousins wedding at the end of January.  The weekend after that, I'll be in Austin for IF:Gathering.  So I think now we're looking at beginning of February before a kid arrives... Womp Womp.

Prayers are welcome... I'm starting to get antsy and the waiting is just making me doubt.  My head is all over the place.  I'm getting stressed about summer school among other things and it's several months away.  I wanna throw up.

My Heart for Her...

I read this on a blog and I feel in love with it.  I had it bookmarked and would re-read it every so often.  I wanted to share not only for this girl, but for all young women out there as a simple prayer...
 

My heart for her is that she will learn that her journey is where she will become strong

that her strength is from God not within herself

that she waits for a man that will love her heart, her mind and dream her dreams as well as his own

one that will respect her choice that true love waits, because he too is waiting

that she explores her God given dreams with no pressure to marry before her time

that she opens her heart to God’s invitation to be transformed by Him

 

that she stands when no one else does

that she speaks for those who cannot

that she be the light when everything else is dark

that she has the eyes to see the lovely in the unlovely, for that is so often where we see God

that she lives loved... because she knows the depth of which she is loved

that she hears His song over her each and everyday

 

that she is able to forgive because she knows the depth of her forgiveness

that family always matters and knows that it's worth fighting for

that she would keep God first, others second and herself third

that her trust is always safe with the One who is perfect and steadfast

that even if she had no one she is not ever alone because God is always with her

 

that she has a heavenly Father who gives good gifts to His children

that the gifts He has given her have been hand chosen for a purpose

that she is able to see her path before her clearly and will follow after it even if no one else sees it too

that she dreams big dreams and prays even bigger prayers

and that with each day she will love deeper, fight harder and pray with conviction

adapted from the original post here, The House of Belonging