Friday, March 22, 2013

Dwell Deep

It all started with a girls camping weekend we had planned. We are good at planning stuff and never seeing it through because we are usually dreaming of days in Europe riding the trains, flying out to California or taking a cruise somewhere awesome. This time though we decided to be realistic and plan something that actually had a shot at happening saving those more exotic trips for the days where we actually have the funds to go do those things. Camping was a time to get away and just hangout with the girls.

Jump to a few weeks prior to the trip and I have to cancel. Not for some emergency but simply for the fact that I didn't check my calendar and the camping trip was the same weekend Matt's parents were coming in... from Cambodia. So since I couldn't miss that either, I had to cancel on the girls.

It was distressing for a few reasons:
1. I hate making a commitment and not being able to stick it out, it drives me crazy when others do it, but most of all when I do. It's unlike me and if I say I'm going to do something, I want to do it.
2. I'm a planner. You can't grow up the with flip flopping parents every day/weekends and not be a planner. The handful of times it has come in handy (having a job where I traveled so often which made planning trips and all the details of those trips second nature) I'm pretty sure it's a curse as I'm fairly anal. My step mom will be the first to tell you as it drives her crazy because she is completely opposite.

I've realized that I've done this more and more lately. Made commitments to things that I haven't been able to see through. Its disappointing to me because I hate disappointing others. Especially something like this that could have been avoided if I'd have just checked my calendar and we picked another weekend. The problem is, I have 3 flipping calendars. I know I need to just pick one but here is the deal, I have 1 work calendar which I need for meetings at work and I used to live by when I was full time so it still has a great bit of detail on it. I have recently transferred my personal agenda to my personal email calendar but as I'm not used to checking it, it's not always up to date and therefore hard to rely on. I have one in my kitchen that spans through the whole year and is good because its visual, high level, not on the computer, and pretty and I try to update that one but it doesn't always have room for my day to day activities or tasks.

And that was just the beginning of it all. It occurred to me that I'm pulling myself in a thousand different directions. Not only with my calendar that is supposed to be a central point of organization in my life to help keep me sane, but I'm doing this with all kinds of people in my life. I have tons of people I know but for some reason feel like most of those relationships are only getting increasingly shallow. I have always been one to compartmentalize my life but despite my efforts to stop, it seems to still be a present struggle. I have bible study friends, I have work friends, I have ACU friends, I have high school friends, I have different groups of school friends even within the same schools. It's impossible to keep up with all those people. Truly keep up - not facebook them, or see each other and say hey, but to truly keep up with them. Know their highs and lows, pray for them, do life with them, dwell with them, deeply. Not some shallow way where we know bits and pieces here and there but all of it - the good, bad and ugly. A huge issue with my generation is we think that a text replaces a phone call or that a call substitutes swinging by and saying hey but that is just not true. With all the ways we are so easily accessible to one another, the ways we can keep tabs on peers, look at pictures, feel like we know what's going on is a lie. Personally it's one I'm tired of.

This might be the completely wrong approach but I'm making a list of family, of friends, of people I want to dwell deep with. Do life with. Those people that I love and cherish and do not want to lose. Those people that I want to put first before other randoms in hopes of building real relationships with a few rather than superficial relationships with many. Thankful for this revelation and even more thankful that Jesus modeled it so perfectly. He withdrew from the crowds so that he could spend quality time with the 12 disciples and often even a smaller group within the twelve. Thankful for the Lord's gentle way of nudging us to a life that is more complete. A life that is best lived the way he designed it. Most of all thankful for his patience as he deals with his children.
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