1. I got licensed... After I passed the whole fire inspection charade, CK was doing another chart audit. They realized I hadn't put my disaster kit (food, water bottles, flashlight, batteries, etc.) in a portable container... I hadn't done it because it's so ugly and just so stupid. And where the heck am I going to put that in my house? If you've seen my house, it's not like it's small, but I don't have space to just set huge containers of stuff out on the TINY chance that I actually need it. Anyways, I had the stuff bought, just not in a container... So I still hadn't done it then I get a call that I'm licensed... What? There were still a few small things that were found during my final chart audit that they were waiting on but then I guess they don't care after all... I don't really know. I still haven't done them, ha.
1b. So I got the call that I was licensed on 2/13 from CK and they told me I was done (finally!!) and that my license start date would be 2/16 as it likely wouldn't process on a Friday afternoon so it'd probably be Monday before they got around to signing it. You wanna know what I did? Nothing. I didn't tell anyone until Thursday of that following week. I can't explain why. There had been a million people supporting me, encouraging me, asking me how it was going, etc. and I just couldn't verbally say it out loud. I even went to Home Group on Tuesday and didn't say one word about it. I've realized when big things happen in my life they render me silent. When I broke up with my most recent boyfriend, I don't think I told anyone for over a week, people asked me how we were doing and I just said fine...?! That being said, I don't know why I do that, but I think it just takes time to sink in. Once the wait it over, I have this moment all over again of WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE?
2. I freaked out. It's like the first time the Lord laid this on my heart and I fought him because of all the reasons I've already mentioned in previous posts, all over again.... I fought all those same fears and once I got that call and this was now a reality I just completely froze. I don't think I had acknowledged the fact that the Lord would actually see this through, ha, but for real. I mean, my mindset was that of obedience, one step at a time and the Lord would direct my steps. Which he did, but I guess I just was waiting for him to say, "Ok thanks for being obedient, but we'll wait on this". The story in the back of my mind being Genesis 22 when the Lord asks Abraham to sacrifice Issac. When I read that story, I'm Isaac... all my wants, my desires, my plans, my my my... And the Lord says, Kase, you asked, you prayed, you seeked for me to send you and use you where I needed you... Which is true, yes but... So I just prayed, a lot. For the panic to subside, for wisdom, for the Lord to help me lay aside those things that I would be able to serve those who need him. I want to, so bad, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified. I hadn't acknowledged that those thoughts were in my mind all along. I hadn't given myself the opportunity to acknowledge the Lord would actually want me to go through with this.
3. So after the freaking ended (mostly) I just began preparing. Meal plans that would be kid-friendly. Things that I could cook for both of us and we could both enjoy. Searching for books and movies at the dollar store that she'd enjoy but that were good. I find myself wanting to read all the books I put in her room so I know they are good messages for her to be reading. Along with that, life is happening. People are getting married, friends are moving, having babies, quitting jobs so work is getting even busier, friends are turning 30 (WHAT?!) and just lots of other smaller things. It won't slow down, I'm just kinda embracing the crazy before I no longer can say yes to some of these things.
4. So when? The timeline got tricky because once I was licensed, I didn't get a call asking about me taking a kiddo until mid march. That call came on a Thursday while I was in Colorado and then not I didn't get another. It was bizarre because all the other foster moms told me that once you're licensed, you get a call pretty much right away. When my case manager came over after I got back from my trip to talk about expectations she said it just kinda goes through phases. Sometimes there are a lot of kids and needs, other times it's pretty slow. So It was probably just a slow season, which is great, but then I wasn't sure when to actually open my doors. I didn't want to start a kid during summer when I would be working and she would be bouncing around to day cares, babysitters, summer programs, etc. So all along I was planning on waiting if I didn't have a kid before the summer and here we were end of March by this time and it just seemed best to wait. For her, for me, to let the dust settle and several other things. It's just been busy as summers usually are, and at this point, what's a few more months? So I'll probably open my doors in August... Then just wait till I get a call. She'll be in school, I'll be at work and the structure she'll need will be part of life that wouldn't be as easy during summer. Plus, starting a kid during summer seems like I'm throwing myself into the deep end when I'll have no idea what I'm doing to begin with... Anyways, after praying a lot about it, it just seemed like the wise thing to do.
Thanks for all those who have been supporting and praying for this whole journey... It means a lot and it's not over nor am I dead. I just had to step back for a few months and just focus on breathing :)
